


Life After Engagement

by TheVarietyTrio



Category: Glee
Genre: F/F, F/M, FTM!Rachel, Gender Identity Issues, Other, Transgender
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-11-25
Updated: 2014-11-29
Packaged: 2018-02-26 23:47:52
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 16,557
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2670905
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheVarietyTrio/pseuds/TheVarietyTrio
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Rachel had decided long ago that she would never act on the things she was feeling inside. She had resigned herself to live the life she pretended to want, until the announcement of Quinn's engagement rocked her to the core.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Welcome to my fanfic =)
> 
> I'm Trio and this is my first Faberry fic. This fic will be exploring Rachel having a gender identity crisis and her transition from female to male. The story will be focusing mostly on after hormone therapy and surgery, but the first couple chapters will have a little back story on the process.
> 
> For the sake of the timeline, and just to make my life easier, a lot of the medical side of the story will be unrealistic. I'm definitely no expert in gender transitioning so I apologize in advance if the way I approach the issues are confusing or offends anyone.
> 
> Please let me know if you have any concerns about the way I'm handling the story and I will try to address them as best I can.
> 
> So anyway, thanks in advance for reading and I hope you enjoy. =D

She had finally decided she could live this life. From the outside looking in things were wonderful for one Rachel Berry. With persistence and hard work she had finally achieved the iconic role that she had told everyone she wanted. And if she neglected to tell anyone she actually didn't give two shits about Funny Girl, it was only to preserve everyone's sanity.

Unfortunately, Rachel hadn't been expecting the news to hit her so hard. It was silly really; just a smiley-face status post accompanied by the tag "Quinn Fabray is now engaged."

Rachel sucked in a deep breath, squeezed her eyes shut, and tried not to scream. It had to be a joke.

_12 people like this._

She wanted to know just who liked the life event mere moments after it was posted.

 _"OMG so happy 4 u! Is he hot?"_ – Brittany S. Pierce

 _"Congrats Quinn =D"_ – Tina Cohen-Chang

 _"Girl, you seriously didn't make a decision like this without even telling me about this guy!"_ –Mercedes Jones

 _"Is he rich? Cuz I might be a lady lover, but even I have a price. And Lord knows I'm sexier then you."_ – Santana Lopez

 _"Have you set a date?"_ – Mike Chang

 _"What kinda guy doesn't have a Facebook account. That's whack."_ – Artie Abrams

 _"Also…you've got some nerve not telling me about this. Bitch."_ – Santana Lopez

 _"Dude better b treting u rite baby mama,"_ – Puckasaurus

 _"Does he like ducks? Thats totally important,"_ – Brittany S. Pierce

 _"Yo tubbers, you don't just post shit like this and not tell us who the guys is,"_ – Santana Lopez

 _"Oh Quinn, you have to let me design the dress!"_ – Kurt Hummel

"Kurt?!" Rachel shrieked, leaning over the back of her desk chair so her voice projected into the loft.

The sound of his probably-too-expensive-shoes pounded frantically against the concrete floor toward her "room". He slid to a stop in front of her open curtain, having to grab the sheet to balance himself.

"What? Is everything okay?" he asked anxiously. He had never heard quite that sound come from Rachel even at her most dramatic times. His eyes darted all around the room and then over Rachel, checking for anything abnormal.

Rachel felt like she couldn't breathe as she stared at her roommate. Her fingers gripped tightly to the back of her seat, making her knuckles turn white.

"Hey," Kurt murmured worriedly, trying to get her attention. He approached slowly, because he really wasn't sure what to think of the stock still girl and the anguished look in her eyes. "Sweetie…"

His warm hand cautiously touching her cheek jerked her out of her trance. She flailed back, nearly falling out of her chair. Kurt squeaked in surprise and reached out to steady her, only to have his hand knocked away when she caught herself against the desk.

"Rachel, what's…" he tried to ask.

"Quinn's engaged!" she cried out, pushing herself up out of her chair for emphasis.

She hadn't even realized how insane she sounded till she saw the bewildered look on Kurt's face.

"Yes….It appears so," he said slowly, eyeing her somewhat fearfully.

Rachel cleared her throat, knowing she had to think fast. She took in a shuddering breath and let the overwhelming urge to cry take over her. Kurt stuttered in confusion as her eyes filled with tears.

"She didn't even tell me," Rachel whimpered. She only lasted a second before a little sob escaped her throat.

Her antics may have seemed over the top, but only she knew the real reason why she was crying.

"Oh Rachel…I don't think anyone knew," Kurt tried to comfort. He rested his hand on her shoulder in a slightly awkward way, since this little outburst seemed extreme even for Rachel.

"She should have told me," Rachel whined pathetically through her tears.

She glanced at Kurt through her blurry vision, wondering just how much she could get away with before he really thought she had gone insane. He was staring at her, looking a complicated mix between sympathetic and confused. And then his eyes seemed to spark with recognition.

"Is this about Finn?" he asked in a gentle voice, now looking much less baffled.

Rachel could only thank the powers that be for Kurt and his ability to make connections that weren't actually there.

She nodded pitifully as another sob escaped. Kurt immediately pulled her into a hug, cooing over her softly.

_At least now he won't keep bugging me about not grieving, she thought as she sunk into the embrace._

* * *

It had been a long time since she felt this way. At least, she did her best to pretend that was the case. Between her success with Funny Girl and all the craziness that came along with Finn's death, she had resigned herself to this life.

She had finally realized that she was just too much of a coward to make any significant change. That is, until she saw that stupid post on Facebook.

Something about knowing the option was no longer there was too much to handle.

"I quit," she said shakily when her Daddy opened the door.

"Quit what baby?" he asked in puzzlement, not completely sure why his daughter was standing on the door step.

"Funny Girl…."

After a completely shocked reaction from Leroy, she was hugged tightly and shuffled into the house. She was thankful for the chance to tell him first, he was generally much cooler headed then Hiram. He still looked perplexed and worried, but he sat her on the couch and went to make some tea.

The two of them sat there, Rachel on the couch and Leroy in the arm chair, in silence for a good twenty minutes. She felt like she wanted to cry again, but she was pretty certain her tear ducks had dried up.

"There's Papa," Leroy murmured softly at the sound of the car pulling into the drive way.

Fear suddenly gripped her. She couldn't believe she was here in Lima, about to tell her fathers about the one thing she had always vow to keep to herself.

Once Hiram was thoroughly satisfied with fawning over Rachel and worrying why she was home without notice, they settled in the living room again.

"I-I have some news," Rachel said, cringing at the way her voice wavered. She noticed the way Leroy placed a comforting hand on Hiram's back and hoped he could keep her Papa under control. "I quit Funny Girl…"

"What?" Hiram shrieked, nearly jumping out of his seat. Leroy held him back with a firm hand on his shoulder.

"Did you know about this?" Hiram asked his husband in an accusing tone. Rachel flinched a little.

"She just told me when she got here," Leroy said calmly.

Hiram looked frantic as he turned back toward Rachel. "Why sweetheart?"

"I…"

"They didn't mistreat you did they?" her Papa gasped. "Because we won't stand by and…"

"Papa…no…"

"This just doesn't make any sense," Hiram commented, shaking his head.

"Let her explain hon," Leroy instructed softly. He gave Rachel a gentle smile, all the while running his hand soothingly along his partner's back.

Rachel took in a shuddering breath, realizing that this was the moment; the moment she always dreaded the possibility of experiencing. Tears pricked the backs of her eyes and she played anxiously with her hands.

"I have…" she tried, but the words stuck in her throat.

Her parents were looking at her intently, concern written all over their faces. She considered backing out. She had made an excuse with Kurt, certainly she could figure out something to tell her dads.

But then Leroy reached across from the love seat and gently squeezed her knee with a strong hand. "It's okay Rachel," he told her tenderly.

Tears began to leak from her eyes and she hung her head.

"I have…a gender identity issue…" she whispered for the first time out loud.

The conversation which followed her confession was both a relief and a burden. The three Berrys spent hours talking through everything, except the real reason she had chosen now to come out to them. She was too embarrassed to admit it.

So she gave the most generic response she could think of. _I just couldn't live like this anymore,_ since that sounded so much better then _Quinn Fabray is getting engaged and I'll never have a chance now._

Her parents were probably the best people as far as understanding what she was going through without experiencing it themselves, but that didn't mean they weren't confused. After all, Rachel had always been what most would consider a "girly girl".

"Over compensation is a strange thing," she had told them with a halfhearted smirk.

* * *

Over the next few weeks, everything had been decided. She moved back to Lima and started seeing a counselor down in Columbus once a week. It was easy enough to convince Kurt and Santana that a family emergency was her reason for leaving; she was a pretty good liar at this point in her life.

Despite her parents' encouragement to stay in contact with her friends, Rachel had no desire to keep in touch with anyone. Even though she considered the former Glee clubbers friends, they were friends with Rachel, not whoever she was now.

The first step was deleting her Facebook account and she vowed to never use the website again, even though she knew that promise to herself was ridiculous. She secured a new cell phone number, but requested her dads keep the previous number on the account at least for a little while in case something really important was happening to someone she used to know.

It became a game of pretending she didn't hear the phone buzzing in her night stand throughout the day and resisting the urge to check it each time it chimed.

After two months, she was getting pretty good at ignoring her phone and only checked it every few days. The texts and calls were mostly Kurt and Santana, with Santana resorting to only verbal abuse and threats. So it came as quite a surprise when different name appeared on her text list.

Quinn Fabray: _Hey_

Rachel practically choked on her tongue and nearly dropped the phone. After juggling the device for a few moments, she secured it in her hand and slumped back against the bed.

She realized she was trembling and carefully set the phone on the night stand. Burying her face in her hands, Rachel just tried to keep her breathing even.

 _Why now?_ She thought bitterly.

Everything was going so well. She was working through her issues with her therapist and had made major head way in identifying all the times in her life that she felt different. And even though the therapist wasn't saying it, Rachel knew she was working her way toward approval for hormone therapy.

The last thing she needed now was Quinn Fabray texting her.

With the help of her therapist she had been working through her feelings for Quinn. She had basically accepted the fact that Quinn was a complete impossibility for her and she was ready to move. At least she thought she was.

Rachel Berry: _Hey_

Before she could stop herself, she had pressed the send button. She flopped back on the bed with a heavy sigh. Her chest was tight with anticipation and she felt a little sick to her stomach.

Quinn Fabray: _Wow…wasn't expecting a reply_

Rachel bit into her lip, staring at the screen.

Rachel Berry: _Why not?_

Quinn Fabray: _Well you only disappeared from the face of the planet. Kurt and Santana are worried._

She glared at the text staring back at her. Rachel couldn't help the disappointment she felt, but she told herself that she should have known better then to think Quinn cared. Obviously she was just the messenger.

Rachel Berry: _I'm fine._

Quinn Fabray: _Two months is a long time to not talk to anyone…_

Rachel Berry: _My life has been a little crazy._

The brunette chewed on the nail of her thumb. Her stomach was filled with butterflies and her heart was beating faster than normal. It was annoying that just knowing the little words on her phone were from Quinn caused that kind of reaction in her.

Quinn Fabray: _I can understand that._

Rachel scoffed out loud. _How could she possibly understand?_

Rachel Berry: _Well thank you for the check in, but I assure I'm perfectly fine Quinn. I hope all is well with you._

She set the phone down a little harder than necessary and started to get up. Rachel assumed that was the end of the conversation so she jumped slightly when the phone buzzed against her night stand.

Quinn Fabray: _I got engaged._

It felt like a knife. Ten times worse than seeing an impersonal announcement on Facebook. Even though she had tried to convince herself she accepted the news of Quinn's engagement, she obviously hadn't dealt with it all yet.

Rachel Berry: _I heard._

She wiped gently at her eyes, trying to rub away the moisture before it could fall. Sometimes she really hated her emotions.

Quinn Fabray: _I was surprised I didn't hear from you._

Rachel Berry: _Why?_

If text could have tone, her words would have been venom.

Quinn Fabray: _Because we're friends._

She screamed. She screamed as loud as she could. She hated the sound as it came from her throat and muffled against the pillow she had pressed to her face. It was high pitched and girly, like something straight out of a horror movie and it made her sick.

Rachel Berry: _I have to go._

Her fingers barely got the words typed out because she was vomiting into the trash can beside her bed.

She wouldn't see Quinn's reply till hours later.

Quinn Fabray: Whatever is going on… I'm sorry I wasn't there. If you ever want to talk, shoot me a text. Bye Rae.

* * *

"You need to start thinking of yourself as a man," Dr. Leone said at the beginning of their session one day.

Rachel stared at her, not quite sure how to respond. Of course she was a man. She had figured that out a long time ago.

"I already know I'm…." she started to say, only to trail off when the doctor raised her hand.

"I know you feel like a man," she said with a nod, "but do you really think of yourself as a man?"

She wasn't sure how to answer that.

"Do you think about yourself with male pronouns?" she questions.

"I don't generally refer to myself with pronouns at all," Rachel commented, looking a little puzzled. She shook her head a little. Therapy was definitely helping her, but sometimes she wanted to skip all the talking and get to real results.

Dr. Leone chuckled lightly and took a glance at her notes. "What I'm trying to get at here, Rachel, is that you've obviously identified what you want and now it's time to go for it."

Rachel felt a little leap in her chest. "So?" she questioned excitedly.

"So, I think it's time to choose the name you'd like to go by, ask your dads to start using male pronouns, and see how that feels," she explained with a smile.

The news was great, but caused Rachel to deflate a little. She was so eager to get past all the tedious work. Eighteen years of gender confusion was really starting to take its toll. She just wanted to be a boy now.

"I like Ryan," Leroy commented with a little shrug, while they all sat around the dining room table. Rachel and Hiram rolled their eyes.

"Just because his name starts with an R now doesn't mean his new name has to," Hiram huffed.

Rachel smiled a little. It was weird hearing he instead of she, him instead of her, but his dads had taken to it without any problem. He had a sneaking suspicion they had been practicing.

"I'm just saying Ryan is a nice name," his Daddy replied and then stuck his tongue out at his husband.

"Very mature darling," Hiram quipped with a smirk.

"Haven't you thought about this?" Leroy asked, turning his attention toward Rachel. He noticed that since the conversation had started, his dads had been carefully avoiding saying his name. He appreciated the effort they were making even it is felt slightly weird.

He shrugged slightly, leaning back in his chair. "Not really. I figured I'd never be taking these steps so I didn't bother trying to figure that stuff out," he told them.

"Well I vote Brandon," Hiram chimed in.

"Ew," Rachel replied, wrinkling his nose.

"Hah," Leroy scoffed at his husband.

"Can't I just….go by Rae?" Rachel asked, rubbing his hand against the back of his neck. "I mean that way you guys don't have to try to remember something new and I'll respond to that easily."

"Oh Raymond would be so cute," Hiram gasped, with a little clap of his hand.

"No, not Raymond, just Rae," Rachel huffed at him. "And R-A-E not R-A-Y."

Leroy glanced up to the ceiling, a contemplative look on his face. "Usually that's the female spelling," he commented as lightly as he could.

"There are men named Ashley, I think I can get away with spelling Rae the way I want," Rachel pointed out.

"I guess you're right," Leroy agreed with a nod.

"And besides, he can always choose something else later on if he wants," Hiram chirped.

Rae shook his head. He had a pretty strong feeling he wouldn't be changing his name again. And he had even convinced himself that he chose the new name out of convenience and not because Quinn was the only one to ever call him that.

* * *

"Oh, my baby's beautiful hair," Hiram whined softly as the barber cut off another few inches.

"Papa," Rae whined back in embarrassment. He really wasn't sure why he even agreed to let his dad come. He should have seen this coming.

"I understand it's what you want, but you always had such beautiful hair," Hiram sighed wistfully. "And not all men have short hair."

"Dad please," he intoned, blushing deeply.

He glanced at the barber in the mirror, but the man didn't seem to care much about their conversation. Rae blew out a breath and looked forward into the mirror. His dad had tried to convince him to start slow and get only some trimmed off. Rae was done with it though. He wanted the annoying locks gone.

When the barber finished, Rae looked into the mirror once more. It was very short in comparison to the shoulder length look he had been sporting a few minutes ago. He would probably use a little gel to style it, but even laying against his forehead it wasn't too bad.

He turned to Hiram with a beaming grin. "What do you think?" he asked.

"It looks great son," Hiram replied, his eyes a little teary, but a smile on his lips.

* * *

Quinn Fabray: Hey

Rae turned the phone over in his hand again and again. He hadn't checked the messages in over a month since everyone had basically given up on trying to check on him. It was actually a surprise to see Quinn's name with a message from a couple days ago.

Rachel Berry: Hey

Quinn Fabray: She lives =P

He gaped at the phone. It had been awhile since anyone called him "she." His dads, Dr. Leone, and even the folks down at the LGBT center all referred to him by male pronouns now. It took a good bit out self-restraint to not correct her.

Rachel Berry: Yeah…I was actually about to get this number disabled.

Quinn Fabray: Were you going to tell me?

Rae sat on the edge of his bed and shook his head in disbelief. He hadn't planned on telling her and now he felt guilty. Pfft, I have nothing to feel guilty about. She's not part of my life anymore, he thought.

Quinn Fabray: I understand if you weren't going to. I'm just glad I caught you.

Rachel Berry: Well I do have a new number.

He sighed, resting his forehead in his hand. Why couldn't he keep his mouth shut? Dr. Leone kept telling him that he needed to let Quinn go or let her in on what was happening, but he didn't think he was really strong enough to do either.

Quinn Fabray: Is that like a peace offering?

Rachel Berry: I guess you could call it that.

Rachel Berry: But please don't share it with anyone. I don't want…I can't deal with anyone else.

Leaning over, he grabbed his newer phone and typed in Quinn's number.

Quinn Fabray: I promise I won't

Rae Berry: Now don't think that you can be texting me all the time now. I do have a life, you know. ;P

Quinn Fabray: For some reason I recall you being the one that had a hard time keeping quiet.

Quinn Fabray: I like the name btw.

* * *

Living as a man was actually a lot easier than he had imagined. With his short hair, a binding around his chest, and male clothing, he actually passed quite easily. He was pretty sure that a lot of people assumed he was gay because he was short and a little feminine looking, but he wasn't expecting much from people in Lima, Ohio.

Mostly he was just glad to finally be feeling good about himself.

He had been in therapy for a little over six months and his big birthday present this year was approval to start on testosterone. It was the thing he was most looking forward to. Ever since he started going by Rae, he had changed his work out regime to mostly consist of weight training. He was putting on muscle for sure, but he couldn't wait to really get definition.

"You know there's this great vocalist down in Columbus. He does vocal work with a lot of people transitioning," Leroy commented to him one afternoon.

"What are you saying?" Rae asked skeptically, even though he already knew the answer. His dads had been suddenly pushing about his singing voice. Since starting to live as a male, he had basically given up on singing. It was just a reminder he was more girl then boy at the moment.

"I just think it might be good for you," he said kindly, "He could help you learn how to manage your singing voice while you're transitioning."

"I don't sing anymore," Rae pointed out testily.

"But you could," Leroy replied with a little smile.

"I already told you and Papa that I only did singing because it was something I was good at. I didn't actually like it," Rae told him. He crossed his arms defensively and leaned back against the counter.

"I know what you told us son and I know things were not always as they appeared, but you can't tell me you didn't get any joy out of performing," Leroy prodded gently.

"Dad…"

"I'm just saying that maybe you'll be just as good of a male singer as you were as a female singer," he told him with a shrug, before heading out of the kitchen.

* * *

Everything seemed to be going good. He turned 19 and gotten his first shot of testosterone. Unfortunately, he hadn't accounted for the fact that Christmas time meant everyone was coming home.

When Kurt showed up on his door step, he just about had a panic attack. There was no way he could face his former friend. Even though he felt bad about basically shutting the boy (and everyone else) out, he also didn't have the courage to tell him what was really going on.

"Daddy, please tell him I'm not here," Rae pleaded from the top of the stairs, making sure to stay hidden from the windows beside the front door.

"You know he's just going to come back," Leroy pointed out.

They both glanced at the door as the doorbell rang again. Leroy sighed.

"Rae, you should talk to him. Kurt out of anyone would understand," he tried to reason.

"Gay and transgender are not the same thing!" Rae cried, stomping his foot against the floor. He immediately quieted, hoping Kurt hadn't heard him.

"I'm aware," Leroy deadpanned. He started toward the door and pulled it open before Rae could say anymore. "Why hello Kurt."

Rae practically dove behind the wall, pressing his back against it and desperately listening to his dad talk to his former friend. Kurt sounded anything but happy and whatever Leroy was telling him was obviously not helping. He bit nervously at his thumbnail, only relaxing slightly when he heard the door close.

"Is he gone?" he asked, glancing around the wall and down the stairs.

"I told him you don't live here anymore," Leroy said.

"What?!" Rae yelped in surprise. He certainly wanted his dad to cover for him, but he wasn't expecting that.

"I said you went off to school in California…"

"Why would you do that?" he grumbled.

"You really think he was going to just leave?" Leroy asked, arching a brow at his son. "Look, I don't like lying for you, but you're my boy and I'll do whatever I need to."

After Kurt's visit, not one else showed up. He figured that the boy had delivered the news that he was supposedly no longer in Lima. Rae was overjoyed that Santana hadn't showed up. He wasn't sure even his dad could deal with her.

Quinn Fabray: So California?

Rae groaned when he saw the message. Of course Kurt had told Quinn.

Rae Berry: I may have had my father tell a little white lie for me.

It wasn't like they talked a lot. Usually their text consisted of hey-how-you-doings and that was about it. But he knew that Quinn, especially since she had his phone number, would be way more persistent then Kurt. He made a mental note to not leave the house until he was sure everyone was out of town again.

He jumped when his phone started ringing instead of the usual buzz and chime for a text. Glancing down, he felt his stomach drop at the sight of Quinn's name.

No, no, no… this can't be happening, he thought miserably. He glanced around the room as if the solution to this problem would magically appear, but that only helped with his slight panic. Seeing blank walls instead of musical posters was only a reminder of his new life.

"Hello?" he answered, his voice cracking slightly from nerves.

He felt like he was going to be sick and he couldn't breathe. At least when he was living as a girl he never had this panicky feeling.

"Hey," Quinn said her voice low and slightly husky. It literally made his whole body ache.

Rae was speechless. All the words were stuck and he couldn't make himself speak. For the first time in months, he was glad the testosterone wasn't affecting him yet and he could talk to Quinn without her wondering about his voice.

"You there?" her voice came though softly, like she was afraid saying anything would scare Rae off.

"Yeah…I'm here," Rae mumbled, rubbing a hand over his face. "How are you Quinn?"

She chuckled lightly and his heart started pounding. He had almost forgotten what she sounded like. It had been too long.

"I'm good…. A little worried that you're faking going off to California," Quinn commented. She sounded so smooth and relaxed.

"It's nothing really," he tried to assure her.

"Rachel…"

Whatever else she said faded out. Rachel, he repeated in his mind. He couldn't remember the last time someone called him that. It was probably Dr. Leone.

He could remember that he used to love the way that name sounded on Quinn's lips. It was so rare he was treated to a "Rachel" instead of "Berry" or something crueler that he had savored that sound. Now it just felt wrong.

"Rae," he interrupted her.

"What?" Quinn asked in confusion.

"I go by Rae now," he said.

He held his breath as he waited for her response.

"Okay," she finally said, obviously not thinking that his little announcement was a worthy interruption. "Like I was saying, everyone is pretty mad about the cold shoulder."

Rae nodded a little before realizing she couldn't see him. "I'm sorry about that…that I just left and that we haven't talked much," he told her.

"I'm not mad," Quinn assured him.

"I'm still sorry. Life has just been…."

"Crazy?" she supplied.

He chuckled lightly. Quinn sounded like she knew exactly what was going on. She acted as if life being crazy was normal and it put him at ease.

"So if you're not in California…are you hiding in your room at your dads' house?" Quinn asked a little teasingly.

Rae could feel himself blushing. "I only hid when Kurt was here," he huffed, but grinned when Quinn laughed airily.

They were quiet for a while. Rae had no idea what to even say to Quinn. He wanted to ask her about school, but he was too afraid to hear about her engagement. It was then he realized he didn't even know if she was married yet.

"Rae," Quinn called softly, drawing his attention. "Can I come see you?"

"What? Why?!" he asked in a panicky voice, feeling his chest seize up.

"Uhm…because we're friends…" she replied uncertainly, obviously not sure how to react to Rae's panic.

"I'm sorry Quinn, but…."

"No, it's fine. I get that something is obviously going on with you," she said. He thought it was disappointment he was hearing in her voice, but he couldn't be sure.

"Sorry…" he murmured regretfully.

"Don't worry about it," she whispered back.

He drummed his fingers anxiously against his desk. This was so uncomfortable. After so long, he wanted to hear more of Quinn's voice, but he had no idea how to ask.

"Will you tell me about Yale?" he asked quietly.

"Maybe next time. John is waiting for me," she replied.

"Who's…"

Oh. It hit him like a ton of bricks. John was the fiancé. The sickness was back and he stumbled toward the bathroom, afraid he might be sick. "I'll talk to you later Quinn," he croaked out, before hanging up.

* * *

"You never used the Metro pass I got you," Quinn teased lightly.

"And I'm truly sorry about that. I'll reimburse you for the cost…"

"Don't be ridiculous."

The truth was he felt a little ridiculous all the time. He felt ridiculous for not making these changes sooner. He felt ridiculous for having an identity crisis over Quinn's engagement. He even felt ridiculous for talking to Quinn right now.

"I am sorry though," he murmured, staring up at the plain white ceiling above his head. Yellow didn't seem fitting for his new room, so he had painted the whole thing white. Like a blank slate. "If I had known I would be leaving New York I would have used it before hand."

The line went quiet in the way it always did when they didn't know what to say to each other. But even if a third of their calls were only silence, he desperately looked forward to their conversations every couple days.

"Rae, tell me you're okay," Quinn whispered, her voice wavering slightly.

He felt his heart ache at the broken way she spoke while simultaneously feeling a swell of affection. Does she really care that much? He wondered.

"I'm okay Quinn," he assured her softly.

"I know you're probably not ready to tell me about what's going on, but I'm really worried," she told him in a quiet voice.

"Quinn…"

"We've barely managed to maintain some sort of friendship, but I know you're only talking to me…"

Rae gulped, biting hard into his lower lip. What was he even supposed to say to that? Of course, Quinn was the only one he was talking to. She was the only one of his former friends he wanted to talk to.

"… That means something right?" she asked.

"Yes," he breathed, unable to say anything else.

Quinn may have only been talking to him through the phone, but Rae was finding it difficult to lie to her. He had spent his whole life lying and now that he knew how freeing it was to be honest, he wanted to tell her everything.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Warning:** Some unrealistic transitioning elements

* * *

**Chapter 1 Recap:**

" _We've barely managed to maintain some sort of friendship, but I know you're only talking to me…"_

_Rae gulped, biting hard into his lower lip. What was he even supposed to say to that? Of course, Quinn was the only one he was talking to. She was the only one of his former friends he wanted to talk to._

"…  _That means something right?" she asked._

" _Yes," he breathed, unable to say anything else._

_Quinn may have only been talking to him through the phone, but Rae was finding it difficult to lie to her. He had spent his whole life lying and now that he knew how freeing it was to be honest, he wanted to tell her everything._

* * *

Rae found out pretty quickly that he wasn't a very patient person. After the first dose of testosterone, even with all the information he had about how long the effects would take, he still expected some sort of change.

Of course, he was always thankful for no changes when Quinn would call.

"How are you?" she hummed into the phone. She always seemed to be trying to sound nonchalant, but Rae could pick up the under lying worry in her voice.

"I'm good," he assured her, "I'm getting kind of bored hanging around in Lima."

As much as he liked being around his dads, Lima felt like a step backwards. He was constantly bored and worried about someone recognizing him. New York seemed like such a better place to make his transition in, but he recognized the need for his fathers' support.

"Then maybe you should leave," Quinn suggested in a tone that gave away that she was subtly digging for information.

"I really can't," he replied.

She sighed heavily and Rae rubbed at his forehead.  _Here is comes_ , he thought with a splash of annoyance. Even though he loved talking to Quinn, the conversation always seemed to circle back to what was happening with him.

It was becoming increasingly difficult to not tell her the truth.

"Are you ever going to tell me?" she asked gently.

Rae held in a groan and weighed his options, just like he did every time she would ask. He wondered if telling her would really be so bad. But he really didn't feel brave enough to even chance it.

"I want to," he murmured. He internally scoffed at himself for not being able to keep quiet. "I don't want you to think less of me."

A soft little chuckle came over the phone and he felt a pinch of shame.

"We treated each other like garbage and regularly stole each other's boyfriends, I think we're past thinking less of one another," Quinn told him.

That was certainly better then what he thought she might say. He rubbed at his chin, feeling his heart rate pick up as he considered telling her.

"Look Quinn…"

"Hang on Rae," the blonde's voice interrupted and he deflated. "I've gotta run. I'll give you a call later this week okay?"

"Okay…" he whispered.

* * *

"Jesus Christ!" Rae growled when a zombie rocketed from the darkness of the screen and bit into his character's arm.

"Rae," Hiram scolded from the door way. "You don't need to be talking like that."

"We're not even Christian," he huffed angrily. He tossed the controller a little harder than necessary onto the bed when his character died. With an exaggerated sigh, he plopped back on the bed and rubbed at his forehead.

He could practically hear his dad thinking from the door way and he bit hard into the inside of his lip to keep from saying anything.

"Son, I think you need a productive way to release some of this energy," Hiram commented as gently as he could. He knew that Rae wanted more than anything to see the changes the testosterone would make. But the longer without change, the more irritable he was becoming.

"I have my video games," Rae commented stubbornly.

"Which just make you even angrier when you lose," his father pointed out.

"Maybe if you got off my case I wouldn't be so angry all the time," Rae practically growled, turning over onto his stomach and burying his face into his pillow.

"I realize this is frustrating for you, but you're acting like a brat and I won't tolerate that," Hiram told him with finality.

Rae only huffed at the underlying threat, since a moment later his dad shut the door and left. He wouldn't find out till he tried to start his game a half hour later, that Hiram had flipped the breaker to his room and left him without any power.

* * *

"Will you sing for me?"

Rae mouth went dry and he stuttered uselessly at the question. It was nearing eleven and he knew all the way over at Yale, Quinn was tucked into her bed like he was.

"You're joking right?" he asked with a nervous chuckle. A blush was creeping up his cheeks and his heart was pounding in his chest.

"Come on Rae, I'm only asking because I'm in some sort of exhaustion induced haze," Quinn practically whispered in the phone.

"Then go to sleep!" he yelped.

"I can't, that's why I'm asking you to sing," she replied in a petulant tone. "Pleassseeee."

He wanted to roll his eyes, and tell her no, and possibly be sick. Rae knew that he really had no choice when it came to Quinn though.

"I'm out of practice," he tried as a last ditch effort.

"Sing," Quinn hummed.

Rae drew a deep breath, rubbing at his slightly sore throat. He knew that the situation was all wrong for the proper singing. His throat was itchy from the testosterone, he hadn't sung in weeks, and he was lying on his side, but it didn't stop him from drawing in another deep breath.

He sang softly, feeling his vocal chords itch with the vibration.

" _You're not alone, together we stand_ …"

"Why would you sing that?" Quinn asked with a watery laugh.

He felt his heart drop a little.

"I just… I'm sorry…" he stuttered, suddenly feeling ten times more nervous than he did a moment before. He threw his arm over his forehead and felt tears prick the back of his eyes.

"Don't be," she murmured tiredly, but he could hear the smile in her voice.

He sighed in relief and felt himself relax.

"I'm sure it sounded terrible," he mumbled into the phone, now just feeling mostly embarrassed.

"No, your voice is beautiful as always…."

* * *

His trips to Columbus were becoming more and more busy. At first it was only therapy. Now he had added on vocal lessons and Tae Kwan Do over at the LGBT center, at his dads' insistence.

"Have you noticed any change in your pitch yet?" his vocal instructor, Khoi Lloyd, asked as they stood near the piano.

Rae shook his head sadly. After three weeks on testosterone he has hoped to start hearing a difference, but all he was getting was a sore throat.

"Good," Khoi said with a nod of his head. "The sooner we get started, the easier the transition will be."

The lessons weren't much different than any other class Rae had taken. They ran through scales and did a series of breathing exercises. All in all, his instructor was fairly impressed with Rae's range and control even after not practicing for several months.

"Well I was on Broadway," he pointed out a little haughtily.

The sound of his voice made him want to cringe. It was still so high and girly. He couldn't wait till he could no longer hit those soaring high notes.

* * *

It had been nearly two weeks since he talked to Quinn and he was starting to get anxious. Rae knew that he only had so much time before she would notice. His dads and Khoi had insisted that his tone was dropping. He was pretty sure they were lying for his benefit, but it still made him worry.

His sleep schedule had gotten pretty out of whack since taking the testosterone, so he was sound asleep when his phone rang at five o'clock one evening.

Groggily, he patted around on the dresser until his fingers wrapped around the vibrating phone.

"Hello?" he answered, his voice hoarse with sleep.

"Rae?" Quinn uncertain voice rang through.

Frantically rubbing the sleep from his eyes, Rae jumped up and cleared his throat. "Yeah it's me," he assured, cringing when he realized how low and gravelly his voice was.

"Oh my God, are you okay?" she asked worriedly, "Are you sick?"

He let his head fall back against his head board, ignoring the pain and tried not to sigh. This was it. Rae never imagined that he would feel sick over finally getting the changes he wanted.

"Yeah…strep throat of something," he murmured miserably.

The hand pressed to his eyes was doing little to hold back his tears. He wasn't ready to give up his talks with Quinn. Their conversations, however bland they could be, were the highlight of his days.

He was unable to hold back a little sniffle.

"I'm sorry," Quinn told him gently. "Have you been to the doctor?"

Rae squeezed his eyes shut. He was trying desperately to drink in the sound of Quinn's voice because he really didn't know if he'd ever really hear her again.

"No…I'll go soon," he said in a whisper.

His free hand clutched at his chest for a moment, before rubbing over his heart. It ached. The pain almost felt like he'd been punched.

"You probably shouldn't talk, so I'll let you go. Call me when you're better okay?" Quinn requested.

"I will," he murmured. The lie stuck to his tongue, leaving a bad taste in his mouth.

"Take care of yourself Berry," she teased gently, but he could hear how sincere she was. It made tears leak from the corner of his eyes.

"Hey Quinn?" he called softly, trying to catch her before she hung up.

"Yeah?"

"I love you…"

He drew in a sharp breath through his nose. Everything seemed to stand still. His heart even seemed to stutter in its rhythm.

Rae felt absolutely pathetic, sitting there against his head board with tears in his eyes and hand pressed to his heart, just hoping Quinn understood.

"I love you too," she replied, her tone just as serious as his had been.

He actually felt like he was drowning for a moment before the line went dead. Rationally he knew that Quinn didn't mean it the same way, but it didn't stop his heart from pounding or his fist from pumping into the air excitedly.

Rae rolled over on to his stomach and let out a squeal against his pillow. The noise was muffled and his voice quickly cracked before he fell into a coughing fit.

But the pain was totally worth it.

* * *

His elation over exchanging I-love-you's with quickly dissipated in the following days. He really started to feel the effects of knowing Quinn was going to be out of his life. And the worst part was that he knew she was going to be hurt.

So he threw himself into all his activities. He increased his workout routine because with the music pounding in his ears and the weights in his hands he could almost block out the echo of Quinn saying "I love you".

Even though he would deny it to his fathers, he was actually starting to enjoy his voice lessons. With each session his voice was ticking lower. Sure, he wasn't a baritone or even a tenor yet, but at least it was something. He could even admit that he enjoyed the performing aspect even if it was only in front of his instructor.

To battle the urge to call or text Quinn, he kept his phone tucked away in his night stand when he was home. He would hear in buzz each night and leave the room since he couldn't stand the sound.

The texts were starting to pile up and each evening he had missed calls which he regretfully cleared the following morning. He didn't dare read what Quinn had to say or listen to her voicemails. It was all too painful.

Rae and his fathers were sitting around the table for dinner when the phone rang.

"Hello?" Leroy answered after jumping up to grab it. His mouth immediately drew in a line and he glanced toward his son.

Rae met his gaze uncertainly, not sure what he was being given the stare down.

"Hang on just a minute Quinn…"

His eyes widened and he stuttered slightly in surprise, staring as his dad clicked the hold button and put the phone back in its stand. He looked toward Rae and arched his brows in questioning.

"Why is she calling the house?" Hiram asked curiously, only to frown at the panicked look on Rae's face.

"She says you haven't been returning her calls and that she knows you're here," Leroy told him

Rae gripped at the edge of the table and tried desperately to keep calm. It wasn't fair that Quinn could just call his parents.

"I-I can't talk to her," he told them miserably.

Leroy sighed softly and glanced at his husband who shrugged his shoulders.

"Son, maybe it's time you tell someone," Leroy commented softly, "I'm sure Quinn will understand."

"I can't," Rae croaked out desperately. He glanced between his fathers and could see they were of the same opinion. It made his eyes water. "I can't tell her."

Hiram reached across the table and gently placed his hand over Rae's tight knuckles. Leroy shook his head a little, rubbing his fingers over his forehead.

"You still there?" he asked gently into the phone when he picked it up. "I'm sorry Quinn. She…" he paused awkwardly on the pronoun, "doesn't want to talk."

He glanced at Rae, who looked close to hyperventilating and tried not to feel to upset. All he wanted was for his child to be happy and he had a seeking suspicious that without Quinn, Rae would never be as happy as he could be.

"I know. Yes, she is stubborn. I don't know why. I'll tell her…and Quinn, I'm sorry about this. She really won't budge," he spoke softly into the phone, his back turned to his husband and son.

Rae let his head fall forward and rested his forehead on the table. He felt bad enough as it was. Why couldn't his dad make up some excuse like he did with Kurt?

Leroy hung up the phone and returned to the table. He laced his fingers together, leaning his forearms on the table.

"Rae…you need someone," he said in a low voice. "I know you have your therapist and your papa and I will always be there for you. But you need friends."

He let out a shuddering breath as tears started to fall down his cheeks. Rae glanced up at his fathers and hated the way it felt to look at their slightly disappointed gazes.

"She's getting married," he finally said as if that explained everything about his behavior.

Hiram shot a confused glance toward his husband and gave Rae's hand a gentle squeeze.

"You'll never have a chance if you don't tell her," Leroy told him as gently as possible. He rolled his eyes a little when Hiram gasped, obviously just catching on to what was happening.

Rae ripped his hand away from Hiram, feeling the anger well up in his chest.

"I can't tell her," he gritted out, trying his best not to lose his temper.

"Why not? Quinn has been a good friend to you these last months even though you have neglected to tell her anything," Leroy pointed out.

"She'll never love me the way I love her," Rae told him angrily.

"You don't know that honey," Hiram offered quietly.

"How could she?" he cried. He jumped up from his seat, his fists slamming into the table in his rage. "She'll never see me as anything but stupid, annoying, girly Rachel Berry!"

"Rae come on," Hiram tried, feeling his heart sink as he watched his son fall apart.

"No! I'll never be the man that she needs," he growled out.

He wheeled back, tripping over his chair in his haste to get away. The chair toppled and skidded across the floor as Rae made a break for the stairs.

But Leroy was there with strong hands against Rae's shoulders, stopping him in his tracks and then pulling the crying boy into his chest.

Rae collapsed against his father's chest with a sob.

* * *

It was hard to forget about Quinn. The longer time ticked by the easier it became though. After four years and a move to Columbus, he had finally stopped thinking about Quinn every day.

His transition had been a complete success. He was nearly five inches taller, his chest was re-sculpted, his voice was unrecognizable to what it was before, and there was a good sized addition below his waist. Everything had fallen into place.

The move to Columbus had initially been to avoid Quinn and be closer to his activities. He knew from his fathers that she had showed up in Lima on several occasions asking for him, but eventually she gave up when it was obvious he wasn't going to respond to her.

He was ready to move back to New York and start his completely new life now that he was healed from his surgeries.

The stop for a couple weeks in Lima was to pack up his things and spend some time with his dads before he took off.

He signed off his name on the receipt at the coffee shop; a fancy  _Raymond Lee Berry_. After cutting Quinn out of his life, he always felt a little ridiculous for choosing Rae and had decided to change it. Plus Leroy was tickled pink that Ray chose Lee for his middle name.

Ray thanked the barista and grabbed his tea, before taking off and hopping into his car. It was still warm since it was July, but he was practically addicted to herbal tea at this point.

He didn't even think much of it when his route took him toward McKinley and he would have noticed the banner on the announcement board if it weren't for the turned over car in the ditch.

Ray slammed on his breaks and took a hard left into the turn off that led up to the school. He could see a woman sitting on the ground near the car and his heart lurched.

"Are you okay?" he called as he jumped out of the car.

The brunette immediately looked up at him with wide, surprised eyes. She was cradling her wrist, but otherwise looked unharmed.

"Uhm y-yeah… I'm okay," she stuttered a bit, obviously shook up from the crash.

Ray jogged over to her and knelt in front of her. He glanced at the car, seeing that the driver's window was open even though it was turned over.

"I'm Ray," he offered gently, giving her a soft smile.

"Marley," she replied and tried to smile. "Sorry I'm just a little…"

"Don't sweat it," he assured her, "Is your arm hurt?"

She glanced down at the arm cradled against her chest and nodded a little. Carefully, she pried her free hand away from it to show the gash down her forearm. Ray relaxed a little when he realized it wasn't very deep.

"I caught it on the door when I was climbing out," she said, glancing back toward the car.

"Your car flipped over and that's all the damage?" he asked in surprise.

She offered a little bit of a smile and shrugged. "Guess so."

"Let me help you," Ray offered. He stood and stepped toward her. With his help, she was able to stand. She leaned heavily into his side and he used his arm around her waist to steady her.

"Is there anyone I can call for you?" he asked as they carefully made their way over to his car.

"I was actually on the way to the reunion at the school. My friends should all be up there already," she told him.

Ray nodded lightly and got her situated in his passenger seat. He wanted to insist that he take her to a hospital, but the school had medical supplies and she probably would feel better with her friends instead of some stranger.

He turned to look at the announcement board. He wasn't aware there was any reunion. What he saw made him freeze.

_Glee Reunion – July 20_

_This seriously can't be happening,_  he thought in disbelief. He glanced over his shoulder at the girl in his car and felt his stomach drop. He hadn't even recognized her, but now he remembered meeting her.

Swallowing the bile trying to rise up his throat, he slowly made his way to the driver's side of the car. He slipped into the seat and tried to pretend everything was okay.

"So glee club?" he asked in his best conversational voice as he slowly pulled the car up the drive way to the school.

"Yeah," Marley answered with a fond smile, "Basically everyone from the last five years."

He smiled tightly, trying desperately not to react. His fingers drummed nervously against the steering wheel as he pulled up to the curb right in front of the front doors.

"That's great," he managed to say with only a small waver in his voice.

Focusing on the task at hand, he hopped out of the car and made his way around to Marley's side. He opened the door and gently helped her stand.

"You okay?" he checked, his hand lightly on her shoulder to hold her steady.

"Yeah, my arm just hurts a little. I think I'm fine to walk," she assured him.

He almost took the bait. He could just leave her at the door and never have to face anyone. He could be home in five minutes and never have to think about Glee or who might be there again.

Unfortunately, he had a conscience.

"Let me walk you in and make sure they know you're here. Don't want to passing out on the curb here," he offered, trying to sound friendly and light.

"Thanks," she replied with a smile of her own.

They approached the doors together, Ray's hands twitching the closer they got. He tried to tell himself it was because he was preparing to steady her if need be.

He pulled open the door and let her enter first. Ray closed his eyes for a moment and drew in a deep breath.

Once upon a time he would have had a panic attack from entering this place where he had spent so much time being the wrong gender. But he was a man now and he wasn't about to let a school, or who might be inside, intimidate him.

Marley led the way, even though their progression slow. He stayed a step behind her and tried not to fidget too much.

"So was Glee club a big thing here?" he asked curiously as his eyes wondering over the semi-familiar hall.

Everything was painted different colors and the lockers were obviously new. The few display cases held pictures of kids he didn't recognize and it was actually comforting that time had continued to go on at McKinley.

"Oh yeah," she confirmed with a grin and a nod. "After the first group won Nationals, the club exploded. They went from something like 12 members to 30."

Ray gawked slightly. He hadn't heard anything. Well, that was mostly on purpose, but it was nice to know their efforts had been successful.

"I think almost all of the original members are here," Marley continued.

A sudden boom of laughter echo through the halls and Raymond's steps stuttered slightly. Marley glanced at him with a smile and motioned for him to follow as she turned off toward the auditorium.

He sucked in a breath and prayed one of her friends was close to the door so he could drop her off and duck out.

Marley was already through the doors when he paused. The stage was filled with people. Way more people then he would have thought. They mostly all looked unfamiliar and he relaxed slightly.

Ray did spot Mr. Schuester moving among the former and current students on stage and smiled lightly. He had no intention of talking to him, but it was nice to see he was still there and teaching.

"Thanks for helping me," Marley's voice brought him out of his stare.

"Oh yeah… no problem. I'm just glad you're okay," he told her with a light smile.  
He was ready to stepped back and head out. So far he hadn't seen anyone he knew and he was hoping to keep it that way. Just as he started to say good bye, a body appeared behind Marley.

There was Noah Puckerman staring at him with no recognition in his eyes.

"Hey, who's this dude?" Puck asked Marley, eyeing Ray critically.

Ray wasn't sure if he could even breathe, let alone move. It wasn't the first time he encountered someone he knew before the transition, but it was the first time he was truly, truly afraid he would be recognized.

"Oh Puck, this is Ray…"

"What happened to your arm?" Puck interrupted. He gently took hold of Marley's arm and inspected it.

"I flipped my car and Ray helped me…"

"The hell? You flipped your car?" he asked bewildered. Marley blushed deeply and shrugged lightly. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah, yeah. I'm fine. Just that cut," she assured him.

Ray's eyes darting frantically between them.

 _Maybe if I just make a run for it,_  he thought.  
"Well thanks for helping man," Puck said, offering his hand to Ray.

He resisted the urge to bite his lip or step back or anything. Ray placed his hand in Puck's and gave it a firm shake.

It was surreal. There was Puck; no longer with a Mohawk, but a military cut. His hand shake was strong, but Ray's easily matched him. He actually considered that fact that he might even be able to take Puck in a fight.  _Not that was important,_  he reminded himself.

"It was no problem," Ray said, making his voice unnecessarily low even though there was no way Puck would ever recognize his voice.

Since Marley was safely in the hands of Puck, he counted now as his chance to escape.

"Hey baby mama," Puck said, obviously looking past Ray.

And for the second time that day, he froze.

* * *


	3. Chapter 3

* * *

**Chapter 2 Recap:**

" _It was no problem," Ray said, making his voice unnecessarily low even though there was no way Puck would ever recognize his voice._

_Since Marley was safely in the hands of Puck, he counted now as his chance to escape._

" _Hey baby mama," Puck said, obviously looking past Ray._

_And for the second time that day, he froze._

* * *

He didn't dare turn.

As much as his shoulders itched and his back muscles twitched, he forced himself still. He closed his eyes tightly and tried to breathe.

Ray couldn't tell if his heart was pounding or if it had stopped beating altogether. He didn't know if he looked like an absolute imbecile while standing there with his eyes tightly closed. All he knew was that he couldn't turn around.

She would know.

The fact that Puck hadn't recognized him didn't matter. Quinn was different; more perceptive. And despite the fact that he had changed, he just knew that she would know.

Even though his jaw had squared some and his nose had lengthened a bit and his eyebrows had thickened, there were still features that he undeniably him. His nose would give it away for sure. He actually appreciated the way his nose fit on his face now. It didn't look quite so big and it was a little longer, but at the end of the day it was Rachel Berry's nose.

He tried to remember to actually use his nose for its intended purpose. Ray wasn't sure how much longer he could hold his breath before he started hyperventilating or something equally ridiculous and dramatic.

"Hey," came from behind him. The word was drawn out and slightly confused, but it sounded like angels singing.

Her voice pricked his ears and he let out a shuddering breath. His entire body shuddered. All of his hair stood on end and his spine tingled. He had forgotten the sound of her voice.

It was the same as it had always been; slightly low and the tiniest hint of husk in her tone.

He heard the click of her shoes, obviously flats, come to a stop a mere few feet from him. Even with the distance between them, it felt like he could actually feel her presence. Her aura caressed across his back and he thought he might pass out.

Ray knew he had to get out of there and fast.

"You okay?" Quinn asked, obviously talking to Marley. Though she was talking to the other girl, Ray could feel her questioning gaze pouring over him.

He briefly wondered if she'd find him attractive before his mind kicked into get-the-hell-out-of-here mode.

"Yeah, just a scratch," Marley assured her with a smile. She glanced at Ray and wondered what he was doing. He was stock still and his eyes were closed.

"She flipped her car," Puck provided.

Quinn's eyes widened a little and her brow arched up her forehead in questioning. She wanted to ask how in the world Marley had managed that, but she couldn't get over that some guy was standing there with his back to her. It was like he wasn't even acknowledging she was there and the made the air feel tense.

She glanced at Puck and lightly jerked her head in the direction of the stranger, giving him a questioning look. Puck shrugged his shoulders unhelpfully.

"Yeah…but anyway," Marley said awkwardly, trying not to acknowledge that she had flipped her car, and rubbed at the back of her neck, "Ray here was kind enough to help me up to the school."

 _Shit_ , Ray thought, trying desperately to figure out how he could get away with as little interaction with Quinn as possible.

His eyes popped open because there was really no point in pretending to be a statue any longer. He let out a shaky breath, feeling his knees quiver a little as he started to turn. To face Quinn for the first time in nearly five years was suddenly the scariest thing he had ever had to do.

"That was nice of him," Quinn commented. She was still eyeing the guy. She really hoped he wasn't a creep or something, because the vibe he was giving off was weirding her out.

"Hi, I'm Raymond," he found himself saying as he turned.

His voice didn't sound like his own. It sounded far away, like an echo, and then garbled like he was underwater. Ray could only attribute it to the blood rushing in his ears.

As he made the full turn, his eyes focused in on her and he felt silly when his breath caught in his throat.

She was beautiful; more so then he could ever remember. Twenty three year old Quinn had somehow managed to be even more attractive then eighteen Quinn. He really couldn't believe his eyes.

Her hair was short and shaggy, reminiscent of their senior year. She was dressed in a white, knee length dress with a red band around her waist. Somehow she looked more sophisticated and mature then he had ever seen.

And then there were her eyes, staring at him like she wasn't quite sure what to make of him. Her gaze made him nervous and when their stares met he could feel the panic rising in his chest. He could see the way her brows scrunched ever so slightly and he wondered if this was the moment everything fell apart.

"Quinn," she supplied after a moment of looking him over.

He offered a tight smile instead of sighing in relief like he wanted to. She didn't look completely sure of him, but she didn't look like she recognized him either.

Ray glanced back at Marley and Puck, before clapping his hands together.

"Well I should really get going," he said in an overly cheery tone, "It was nice to meet you guys and I'm glad you're okay Marley."

He gently patted Marley's shoulder so that he could step back from Quinn. After giving them one last smile, he started to retreat.

"Thanks so much," Marley said kindly to him.

"Yeah thanks dude," Puck added once he was walking away.

"My pleasure," he replied, trying not to keep his voice steady.

He glanced over them one last time, making sure to avoid Quinn's gaze. He made a wide berth around the girl and started down the hall way.

As he made his way through the school, he rubbed at his chest. It felt like he might be having heart palpitations. He rounded one corner and immediately threw his back against the wall.

Ray stared up at the ceiling and took in shuddering breaths. He couldn't determine how he felt. He still felt nervous and yet relieved that they hadn't recognized him, but there was a nagging like part of his heart that was disappointed. How could Quinn not see him?

With a heavy sigh, he pushed himself up. He headed toward the entrance at a quick pace. Shaking out his hands at his sides, he tried to focus on keeping calm. He still felt a little panicky.

And then he heard footsteps down the hall. They were fast and he felt his heart leap. He debated if he should make a break for the door. The last thing he needed was to have a panic attack from running into some else.

He was debating how stupid he probably looked speed walking down the hall when the steps sped into an obvious jog.

 _Would I look guilty of something if I run?_  He thought miserably, just before a hand wrapped around his bicep.

Now he had no choice. He had to turn. He had to face whoever it was.

And from the sweet smell of perfume, he had a pretty good idea.

He steps faltered and he came to an awkward stop. His body was still with panic, but the hand on his arm was leading him to turn. Ray barely managed to not trip on his feet as he came face to face with Quinn.

Her gaze immediately met his. His gaze couldn't seem to focus and her face just looked like a blurry ball of beautifulness for a moment. He blinked hard and his vision cleared.

He quickly realized what was happening and he would have bolted if his knees hadn't turned to jelly.

Quinn's brows were drawn together and her eyes were darting rapidly over his face. Sometimes she met his gaze, others she was obviously looking at the other features of his face.

"Let me…" he tried to plead, but his words were cut off by the sharp sting of her palm against his cheek.

His head whipped to the left and he gawked a little. He noted that her swing had strengthened significantly since junior year as he pressed his hand to his reddening cheek.

"How dare you!?" she practically roared and his eyes fearfully whizzed to her.

He'd never heard that tone. It was somewhere between a yell and a scream, but he could hear the quiver underneath.

When he met her fiery gaze, he back peddled.

"Quinn… just please…, "he begged, quickly backing away from her, "Let me explain…"

Ray had encountered angry Quinn Fabray many times in his life. He had stood toe to toe with her and had only feared on a couple occasions for his physically safety. But he had never seen the type of rage on her face that she was currently sporting.

She was advancing on him quickly and suddenly his feet didn't really work. He tripped over himself several times as he was backing up, putting his hands up in surrender. Just when he thought his uneven footing would land him on the floor, Quinn's hand wrapped around the front of his t-shirt and yanked him to a stop.

"Quinn," he breathed desperately, staring down into her dark eyes.

He wasn't really sure what he was afraid, but something about the swirling emotions in her eyes made his heart sink.

"T-this," she said in a quivering voice, her free hand waving up and down in front of him, "is what you were hiding?"

Ray felt sick. The anger was still there, but now she looked more hurt. He gently wrapped his fingers around the wrist of the hand gripping his shirt. "I'm so sorry," he whispered urgently.

Her eyes clenched shut and she ripped her hand away from his, letting go of his shirt in the process. She breathed in deeply before her eyes snapped open with a glare.

"I can't believe you," she said, trying to keep her voice even, but it cracked a little. "Did you think I wouldn't understand?"

Seeing the hurt in Quinn's eyes was like a punch to the gut.

"Do you understand?" he asked in a whisper.

She went quiet, her brows furrowing and she rubbed at her temple with one hand. All Ray could do was watch and wonder. He felt sick to his stomach and he was still afraid, but there was the tiniest bit of relief.

She finally knew.

He shoved his hands into the pockets of his jeans and gazed at the floor because it was too hard to look at her.

"You could have told me," she huffed out. "You should have told me," Quinn corrected herself angrily.

"I know," he murmured, his shoulders slumping a little.

Ray knew that this was probably the end. He had never really planned on telling Quinn because it was easier on him. Now she knew and he knew there was no chance for their relationship. She'd never understand.

He nearly jumped out of his skin when her fingers brushed against his jaw. Her fingertips were smooth and soft and it made his eyes flutter.

She gently gripped his chin between her thumb and forefinger, tilting his head up and to the side. Her eyes racked over his semi-familiar face. He looked so different, but yet it was undeniably Rachel Berry standing before her.

Ray cautiously glanced at her, watching the way she appraised him. His nerves levels jumped as he waited for her to do or say something.

"God, of course you'd be a stupidly attractive guy," she commented with a light puff of air. She used her hold on him to gently push him away.

"What?" he gasped out and stumbled back just from the little push she gave him.

She ducked her head and shook it a little bit. Quinn didn't want to smile. She still wanted to be mad, but there he was looking so different and yet so good. It was insane and she didn't understand it.

"You think I'm attractive?" he asked for confirmation, a shy smile pulling up on his lips.

His smile was so Rachel Berry, that Quinn nearly rolled her eyes.

"Don't let it go to your head," she commented with a little teasing in her voice.

Ray beamed at her. Even though he felt like he was about to pass out from stress, hearing Quinn say he was attractive was beyond amazing. It was kind of like a fantasy. He briefly wondered if this was real life.

Quinn smiled a little, but it fell as she continued to look at him. It hurt to know he didn't want to tell her. She crossed her arms over her stomach and stepped back a bit.

"Quinn," he called out gently, realizing she was backing off, "I'm so sorry. I didn't know how to tell you."

"I don't understand," she said with shake of her head, "But God… Rachel… I would have tried…."

They both froze when the name registered. Her gaze was immediately guilty and he shrugged his shoulders slightly. It wasn't the first time someone had slipped up. His grandmother was particularly bad about not remembering.

"I'm sorry…"

"It's okay…"

They spoke over each other and then both let out an awkward little laugh. Ray rubbed a hand over his hair, finally starting to relax.

For a while they stood there in silence, soaking up the other's presence.

Quinn reached into the pocket of her dress and grabbed her phone. She lightly shoved it against his chest, making him fumble to catch it.

"Wha…"

"Put your number in there," she commanded. "And don't you dare thinking about giving me a fake one. I will find you," she warned him.

Ray gave her a bewildered look, but took the phone in one hand and navigated to the address book. His heart was back to beating fast as he typed in the numbers and saved the contact as Raymond Berry.

Quinn took the moment to look him over once more. It was strange to see the muscular outline of his chest under his shirt and the definition of his bare arms. She could tell even his legs were defined through his jeans. For the first time since seeing him, she wondered what all his changes entailed.

"You're so tall," she commented as she accepted her phone from him.

He let out a little surprised laugh. "Yeah," he agreed with a light shrug of his shoulders.

"You really do look good," Quinn told him softly.

"You do too Quinn, really," he replied and tried to ignore the flush that was trying work its way up his cheeks.

She smiled slightly and he felt his heart do a small flutter in his chest.

The blonde took the phone and quickly scrolled through her contacts to make sure the number was there. She quickly sent a text to his number so that he would have her's. "I texted you my number," she said, just as his phone buzzed in his pocket.

He glanced around the hall and thanked goodness that they were around the corner from the auditorium. Stepping back, he leaned against the wall beside a row of lockers. After a moment, Quinn joined him, leaning against the wall with her hands behind her back.

"So Glee reunion?" he asked, staring across the hall at a trophy case. It made him a little sad that he wasn't there to be with the rest of them. After all, Glee had been his thing even if it seemed like a life time ago now.

She hummed an affirmative. "We tried to contact you," she told him gently.

Quinn kept her eyes on her shoes, watching the way the bottom scoffed against the tile floor. She certainly hadn't thought she would be running into Rachel…Raymond Berry today. After trying for so long, she had given up on ever finding Rachel.

Now, she really wasn't sure what to think.

"I wouldn't have responded even if I got anything," he said, though it was really unnecessary. She already knew all about his avoidance tactics.

"You should come say hi to everyone. They'd love to see you," she suggested as she chanced a glance at him.

"No," Ray practically shouted in his panic, before sobering a little. "No, I can't go in there…"

"No one will judge you," Quinn told him earnestly. "Hell, Unique has been cross dressing for…"

"I'm not a cross dresser," Ray interrupted firmly. He glanced at her and saw the slight confusion in her eyes and sighed. "Quinn, I'm a man."

She arched brow at him and resisted the urge to say "duh" or something equally sarcastic "I know," she replied with a little frown.

"I mean in every way," he said. He wasn't sure how else to explain it without coming right out and telling her all the changes he had gone through.

Quinn glanced at him and then her eyes settled on his crotch for a moment. They both blushed deeply and looked away from each other, realizing how awkward this conversation really was.

She cleared her throat and glanced at the ceiling to avoid looking at him. "I get it," she assured him with a small nod.

"Do you?" he asked and then shrugged his shoulders. "I've always been a man; even when my body didn't match my mind."

He could see that she was still confused, but at least she wasn't pressing him for a bunch of details. Ray was sure that would come with time though.

"Shouldn't you be getting back?" he asked, nodding in the direction of the theater. He didn't actually want to leave. He wanted to stay and talk with her and find out everything that was happening in her life, but he was overwhelmed. He needed a moment to breathe.

She glanced down the hall in consideration. "I guess so," she finally said a littler regretfully. "I'm surprised Puck didn't come looking for me."

Ray wrinkled his nose a little at the thought of Puck. Sure, he liked the guy to a certain extent and he would like to know how he was doing, but even after all this time it still irked him that he had slept with Quinn.

"Text me tomorrow," Quinn reminded him as she pushed herself off the wall.

He followed her lead and they stood facing each other. "I will," he promised.

She looked him over once more, hesitating a moment, before rolling her eyes at herself. "I'm going to hug you now," she told him.

Ray couldn't help the burst of laughter at her words.

"Isn't that my line?" he asked with a grin and opened his arms to her.

She settled against him, her arms around his waist and his around her shoulders. It was strange. He felt so different, but there was something familiar about the way her held her. Quinn tucked her head against his shoulder and smiled at the fact he was now taller than her.

"You better text me," she murmured near his neck with a warning tone.

Ray nodded slightly at the words. He took in a deep breath and closed his eyes. He had always loved hugging Quinn, but now it felt so much better. She tucked into him perfectly and everything felt right.

After a few long moments, she pulled back. She briefly rested her hand against his chest before stepping back completely. He reluctantly let her go, but already missed the feel of her embrace.

"Seriously text me," Quinn warned him one last time with a smile.

"I promise, seriously," he told her with a nod.

"Bye R…." she hesitated for a second as she stepped back, "Is it Ray or Raymond?"

"Either," Ray told her with a light grin.

She shook her head with a chuckle, because despite how different he looked, he still had the same smile. "Bye Ray," she said as she walked backward for a few steps.

"Bye Quinn," he breathed.

* * *

**Next Chapter:** Raymond and Quinn meet up and Quinn has a little talk with the Mr. Berrys.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **Chapter 3 Recap:**   
>  _  
> "Seriously text me," Quinn warned him one last time with a smile._
> 
> _"I promise, seriously," he told her with a nod._
> 
> _"Bye R…." she hesitated for a second as she stepped back, "Is it Ray or Raymond?"_
> 
> _"Either," Ray told her with a light grin._
> 
> _She shook her head with a chuckle, because despite how different he looked, he still had the same smile. "Bye Ray," she said as she walked backward for a few steps._
> 
> _"Bye Quinn," he breathed._

The rest of his day and night and now morning seemed to be a blur. Dealing with someone from his past knowing about his transition was actually easier than he anticipated. He couldn't quite bring himself to acknowledge that it was easy because of whom it was.

He had managed to avoid his fathers' questions about him acting weird. Ray couldn't even begin to articulate how he was feeling and wanted to avoid their concern for as long as possible.

His thumb hovered nervously over her number. The tiny text of "Quinn Fabray" was mocking him from the screen.

Ray puffed out a breath and closed his eyes.  _Just text her_ , he thought. He let out a little scoff; like it was so easy to just text Quinn Fabray.

Deciding that he owed it to her and himself, he clicked her name and typed in the only thing his mind could come up with.

Raymond Berry:  _Hey_

He hurriedly set the phone on his dresser and sat on the edge of the bed. His knees bounced nervously and his eyes darted around the room, looking for anything to hold his attention.

Just as he was debating whether to go grab breakfast or not, the phone buzzed and he scrambled to grab it.

"Damn," he cursed after slamming his knuckles into the night stand in his hast. He grabbed the phone and stared down at the return message.

Quinn Fabray:  _Thank goodness. I thought I was going to have to hunt you down._

Ray let out a little snort of amusement. He blushed at the sound and self-consciously covered his nose with one hand while he typed out his reply.

Raymond Berry:  _That seems a little excessive don't you think?_

Quinn Fabray:  _At least I didn't make a power point_

He pressed his palm to his forehead with a little grin. Thinking about the past had gotten significantly easier with time. Now he could think back without feeling sad or angry most of the time.

Ray started typing out his reply, but paused as the situation sunk in. Quinn would have questions and he wasn't sure if he was completely ready to talk about everything. He rubbed nervously at his temple and worried his lower lip.

Raymond Berry:  _Would you like to get breakfast?_

Quinn Fabray:  _I'm at Lima Bean. I'll bring coffee and donuts?_

Raymond Berry:  _Yeah okay_

Quinn Fabray:  _You at your dads' place?_

* * *

Ray rushed down the stairs, sliding around the corner into the kitchen. "Fathers!"

Hiram was sitting at the counter with a coffee cup in front of him while Leroy was cooking up something at the stove. They both turned to look at him.

"Son!" they exclaimed in unison, before looking at each other with sly grins.

"Stop…this is…you need to…" he struggled, gripping at the wall. He debated exactly what he was going to say to get them out of the house. "You need to go."

Hiram arched a brow and took a sip of his coffee before looking at his husband. "Oh?"

"It's really important that you guys go do something…anything really," Ray told them with a resolute nod.  _Straight to the point. They'll have to understand_.

Leroy didn't even glance up from his cooking. Apparently being a drama queen did not change with gender.

"Well son, your father and I will be happy to leave right after breakfast," he said. He sent a little sideways glance toward Raymond and smirked at the way his eyes widened.

"No, no, there's not time for that," he insisted. "You can save it for later!"

"And why are we leaving exactly?" Hiram wondered out loud.

Ray stiffened. This was not going anything like he planned it in his head. He glanced behind him, just in case the front door burst open and Quinn Fabray came prancing into the house, before leveling an exasperated look at Hiram.

"Papa please," he stressed.

"Since when can our twenty-three year old son kick us out of our house?" Leroy asked with amusement.

"Not sure," Hiram hummed, resting his chin against his fist and leaned his elbow on the counter, "Maybe if he enlightened us why we need to vacate we would be more inclined to oblige."

"This isn't funny," Raymond commented, glaring at Leroy's back when he saw his father's shoulders quiver with mirth.

Leroy finally turned away from the stove after moving the scramble off the burner. He wiped his hands on the dish towel on the counter before leveling his gaze on Ray. "What's up kiddo?"

"Please," Ray pleaded, doing his best puppy dog eyes.

When his fathers only stared at him expectantly, he huffed a heavy sigh and rolled his eyes. He was pretty sure that his pouty face had lost all of its effectiveness.

"So yesterday, I may or may not have run into someone I went to school with….and she, I mean, they…. May or maybe not have recognized me….and now we're going to have breakfast… and so you guys need to leave," he managed to get out all in one breath.

Hiram's eyes widened in surprise and he looked toward Leroy who looked just as shocked.

"And who exactly did you run into?" Leroy asked curiously.

"It doesn't really matter," Ray told him quickly.

"It does!" Hiram chirped with a grin. He hopped up and swept Ray into a hug before the boy could run. "This is so exciting!"

"Papa please," he whined, struggling to free himself from his dad's embrace.

"When is she coming over?" Hiram asked excitedly.

"Like now, so please leave," Ray said. He finally managed to wiggle away from Hiram, but only after receiving an exaggerated kiss to his cheek.

"You're going to meet her in your underwear?" Leroy asked, trying his hardest not to smirk.

Ray's eyes snapped down in horror, realizing he was clad only in a pair of gray boxer-briefs. "Oh no, I have to shower," he squeaked in a panic.

He turned and sprinted toward the stairs. "Don't answer the door!" he called down the stairs as he rushed toward the bathroom.

Leroy couldn't help the laugh that escaped him as he watched his son clamber up the stairs. He turned back toward the counter and grabbed a couple plates from the cupboard.

"Who do you think it could be?" Hiram asked enthusiastically, plopping down on the stool he was sitting on before.

Leroy shrugged his shoulders. "Someone important apparently."

* * *

It was barely five minutes after Ray escaped upstairs that the doorbell rang. Hiram practically sprung off his seat and he might have skipped a step or two on his way to the door. He couldn't help being excited. Not only was it was the first time Ray had brought someone from his past around, but it was also the first time he had had a girl over.

He pulled the door open and was met with Quinn Fabray standing on their front porch. In one hand she had a holder with two coffee cups and in the other was a brown bag.

"Well, well if it isn't Miss Quinn Fabray," he said with a grin.

"No! Not  _the_ Quinn Fabray!" Leroy gasped teasingly from the door way of the kitchen.

She gave an amused smile as Hiram ushered her into the house. Her goodies were placed on the end table so she could pull her jacket off.

"It's nice to see you," she told them sweetly.

"Especially since when you don't have that murderous look in your eyes," Leroy commented.

Quinn laughed and accepted the hug that Hiram offered.

All in all, they didn't know much about Quinn other than she was in Glee club, her accident had stopped Finn and Rachel's wedding, and the girl had practically beat down their door in search of their child after he went MIA.

"She…" Quinn paused, her expression pinching for a moment before she corrected herself, "He is here right?"

Leroy stepped forward and pulled her into a hug as well. Ray had never been very forth coming about his relationship with Quinn, but no one else had been as persistent about looking for him. She had visited multiple times before ultimately giving up after nearly a year.

"He is," he assured her and gave her a light squeeze. "I'm sorry it's taken this long."

She pulled back slightly and gave him a sad smile. "At least he finally came around," she said softly.

And that's how Ray found them, with Leroy's arm wrapped around Quinn's shoulders and Hiram's hand comfortingly placed on her arm.

The scene shocked him so much that he wasn't even mad his dads had answered the door. He knew that his dads had talked to Quinn a couple times, but they looked more familiar with each other then he thought.

He self-consciously checked his breath against his hand and ran his fingers through his nearly dried hair. Ray glanced down at himself, making sure that his shirt was straight and the fly of his jeans was closed before starting down the stairs.

"Hey," he called down to get their attention, silently cursing the way his voice quivered a little.

Quinn looked up at him and he felt like he couldn't breathe when their gazes met. She gave him a soft, almost relieved smile.

"Well, you didn't tell us  _Quinn_  was coming," Hiram commented.

And Ray's bubble burst. He carefully glanced at both of his parents as he descended the stairs. In the past, he had never found them too embarrassing, but he had a sinking feeling that they were about to reduce him to a puddle of blushing mess.

Quinn arched a brow at him and he felt like he might die.

"What'd you bring?" Leroy asked curiously, indicating the little bag of baked goods.

"Just some donuts," she supplied, though her eyes were still locked on Ray. She couldn't get over how different he looked even after seeing him yesterday.

"Oh good!" he said, clapping his hands together. "They'll go perfectly with the tofu scramble I just made."

"You should join us for breakfast Quinn," Hiram chimed in.

Ray tried to refrain from rolling his eyes. Of course his dads would want to make everything more difficult. He stepped off the stairs.

"We don't have to stay…"

"That sounds lovely," Quinn interrupted him, shooting Ray a look before smiling at the dads.

"Perfect!"

"Wonderful!"

Leroy grabbed the baggie with one hand and tugged at Hiram's arm with the other, knowing that his husband was eager to watch any exchange between the two.

Once his dads were safely around the corner into the kitchen, Ray turned his eyes toward Quinn.

"Hey," he greeted a little nervously. He shoved his hands into his pockets and tried to ignore how fast his heart was beating.

"Hey," she replied easily, "Thanks for inviting me."

"We really don't have to stay here with my dads," he told her imploringly, hoping that she would get the hint that he didn't want to stay.

"It'll be fun," she told him.

He was pretty sure the smirk on her lips was evil.

* * *

Breakfast was actually much more enjoyable then Ray could have imagined. Somehow his fathers had managed to stay on pretty safe topics. He now knew more about what Quinn's mother was up to then Quinn herself.

"Well I hate to cut the fun short," Leroy commented after everyone had stopped giggling about some tale he had been telling about work, "but I have to get going."

"Mm, me too," Hiram said with a joking sigh. "To be a working man."

The two men said their good byes and Ray smiled a little when Leroy gently squeezed his shoulder.

"They're great," Quinn commented, drawing Ray's eyes away from his retreating fathers.

He couldn't help smiling. "Yeah," he agreed with a small nod.

They were quiet for a few moments making Ray fidget a little.

"Do you want to go for a walk?" Quinn asked suddenly, making his jump slightly.

The two slipped on their shoes and skipped jackets since the sun was coming out. Ray grabbed the door, holding it open for Quinn, and they headed outside.

"So is this the part where I get to ask questions?" she asked as they made their way down the side walk.

Just that question made Ray's heart stutter. He wasn't sure if he was going to survive this outing. After a moment he let out a sigh and nodded in resignation.

"Where have you been?" Quinn questioned immediately. "Your dads….they eventually told me that you had moved away."

"Oh," Ray mumbled, suddenly wishing he had grilled his parents on everything they had told Quinn. "I was in Columbus. It was just easier to be closer to everything."

Quinn nodded slightly, her hair bouncing with the movement. She furrowed her brows and steered them off the sidewalk toward a nearby park. "I have so many questions," she admitted after a moment.

Ray let out a slow breath. "One at a time please," he requested with a little smile.

He grinned when she rolled her eyes and lightly bumped her shoulder against his.  _Maybe this won't be so hard_ , he thought.

She was quiet for a long time and Raymond was happy to walk beside her in silence. Eventually she gently touched his elbow to get his attention, before moving to sit on a grassy hilly just off the path they were on. He followed and sat beside her.

Quinn lightly picked at the grass beside her, avoiding Ray's gaze. Even though she wanted to ask so many things, she also didn't want to make him uncomfortable. Then again, she figured he owed her after running away for so long.

"Ray," she said softly, "I don't understand any of this."

His shoulders slumped a little and he stared at the ground by his feet. "I get it. It's a lot to take in," he murmured back.

"It's just…you were so…." Quinn trailed off, a confused look on her face. After a moment, she turned her head to look at him. "Have you always felt like…"

"Yeah," he assured her when she was too afraid to finish. He met her gaze and saw how perplexed she looked. "I'm not really sure how to explain it."

"What about Finn?"

Ray squeezed his eyes shut. One of his biggest regrets was making Finn Hudson think that Rachel Berry loved him. He sighed and drew his knees up toward his chest before wrapping his arms around them.

"I never loved Finn," he told her regretfully.

"It sure seemed like you did," Quinn commented with a frown.

He shrugged slightly. "Finn was… a decent guy," he paused, wrinkling his nose a little at some of the memories, "well, most of the time."

Quinn chuckled softly, shaking her head. Ray smiled at the sound, but quickly sobered.

"I was trying so hard to be something I wasn't," he practically whispered. "And Finn was the only guy that seemed to be genuinely interested for more than just getting in my pants. I thought maybe if I tried hard enough… I don't know…"

He trailed off at the tight feeling in his chest. This was something he had only talked about with his therapist and his fathers. It was much harder to say to Quinn.

"You chased that boy like he was the last man on earth," Quinn pointed out, still looking confused. How could Rachel not have loved Finn? It just didn't make sense.

Ray shook his head a little in shame. "I wanted this feeling," he said, placing one hand over his chest, "to just go away. I thought if I tried hard enough with Finn that I'd get over it and be able to live with the body I had."

Quinn frowned at the explanation. "So you were never attracted to him?" she asked.

"God no," Ray huffed out and Quinn smirked. "If anything I was jealous of the way he looked, even if he could have used a little more weight training."

He glanced over to see Quinn staring at him and he felt his stomach flip. After a moment she turned her gaze away, and leaned back on her hands.

"If you didn't love him or even feel attracted to him, why did you try so hard?" she wondered curiously. "I mean you could have just as easily not dated him… or almost married him."

"I was just trying to be like every other girl," he told her with a frown.

"We weren't all trying to marry our boyfriends," Quinn pointed out with a little scoff.

"Maybe not, but I thought if I married him then I'd have to stay the way I was. I'd have an excuse for not acknowledging what was happening with me," Ray explained.

Quinn let herself fall back against the grass and stared up at the sky. As much as she wanted to understand, she couldn't. Something about the way Rachel acting and what she was being told didn't click.

"Look Quinn," he said, leaning over to the side so she could see his face from her supine position, "I don't know how to explain it any better. I wanted an excuse to not give into the way I was feeling. So I chased after some boy that I had no interest in and I tried to copy what I saw other girls doing and it was just a mess."

The blonde nodded her agreement as she gazed up at him. "You could have told someone," she said gently.

"I couldn't even admit to myself let alone someone else," he replied with a self-depreciating smile.

"Then what changed?" she asked.

There it was; the panic. He knew at some point in this conversation he'd feel it. He just wasn't expecting it to hit him like a ton of bricks in the chest.

Ray sucked in a breath. For the first time in a long time, he was reminded of what got him here. He desperately wanted to look down at Quinn's hand to see if there was a ring, but he felt like he couldn't move.

"I just couldn't do it anymore," he murmured and his voice sounded empty. He didn't dare look at her. He was too afraid she would know there was more to it than that.

"I'm sorry," she whispered and pushed herself up. She lightly placed her hand against his shoulder and frowned when she felt how tense he was. "I wish I could have helped."

He forced himself to calm a little and glanced toward her. "You did," he assured her softly.

"How?" she questioned with a shake of her head. "I didn't even know…"

"You were the only one I had contact with after I left New York," he explained. "And I know we barely talked about anything in our texts, but it helped."

"Then why did you stop talking to me?" she asked, unable to hide the hurt in her voice.

"I didn't know how to tell you," Ray said with a shrug of his shoulders. "I was too afraid to tell you."

She looked at him, her eyes full of hurt but also understanding. Quinn let her hand rub gentle circles on his shoulders as she met his gaze. "You don't have to be afraid," she told him gently.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _Thanks for reading!_
> 
> **Next Chapter:** Raymond finds out about Quinn's fiancé.


End file.
